Mew Year's Eve

Happy Mew Year's Eve y'all! I has been thinking - a lot of da peeps make resolushuns dis time of year. Well, I don't need resolushuns since I are purrfect. But my momma on da udder paw, she could use some help. So I are providin her wif some good resolushuns.

1. Bacon is a once-a-week MINIMUM treat. No eggscuses!   

2. More chikken livers for ME.

3. Less lookin at kittens online. Yeah, dey are "cute." But I are all da cat ya need. And if ya want more cat, you can feed me more.

4. Speakin of feeding me more, let's add in Third Breakfast.

5. And Second Lunch.

6. Nip - it are legalized everywhere, so I demands da chronic. 

7. More play time - dat means wand toys, throwin nip mousies, knockin jingle balls around for me.

8. More bandanas. I's a fashion forward kitty and I has a reputayshun to maintain.

9. Start appresheatin my vocalizayshuns more. Ya's lucky ya has a man(cat) willin to talk to you.

10. Stop calling yourself a crazy cat lady. You're no lady. 

But dat are not it. I also wrote resolushuns for da DAWG.

1. Cut it out wif da slobber. It are gross. We know how to clean ourselves, and don't need your spittle interfering.

2. Stop barkin at us. Ya is loud and annoying. Unlike me when I meow for breakfast five minutes after getting breakfast.

3. No more chasing us. Yeah, I'll rub on ya and den run away. I's a cat. I's entitled to change my mind.

4. You are MY dog. Dat are why I rub on you. Not cuz I like you or anything. Stop thinkin I does.

5. SHARE the food. Not my food - YOUR food.

6. I wuz here furst, so no hoggin da momma. 

7. Stop tellin everyone we is friends. Keep it on da D/L.

8. Learn how to groom yourself - you're a mess and momma has to spend way too much time taking care of ya.

9. Learn to sleep at momma's feet, not next to her. Ya don't deserve da primo real estate.    

Happy Mew Year! Bet momma and da DAWG starts breakin da resolushuns tomorrow.